Why being a working mum is an uncomfortable situation

"I'd be a fearless leader
I'd be an alpha type 
When everyone believes ya 
What's that like?" Taylor Swift (The Man)*

Now I've worked my way through the nicer bits, it's time to tackle the real challenge (I guess there's still a bit of procrastination left in me!). I've been doing more self reflection than is probably healthy, trying to unravel exactly why being a mum has been unsettling to me in a professional context. And I've put my finger on two issues, the first of which is confidence. Becoming a mum is hands down the most terrifying thing I have ever done and simultaneously the thing I've been least prepared for. Antenatal classes run you through the practicalities, from changing a nappy to bathing a newborn. There are endless books, resources and information on everything from how babies should sleep to the food they should eat (and how) and what stimulation they need. But nothing and no one can tell you how to be a good parent (although many parenting manuals do suggest that there is a 'right' way which merely enforces the idea that you are doing it wrong). So probably the most important challenge in my entire life is equally the one thing I cannot learn about in advance in order to not make mistakes. Trial and error is the only way, and I have a continual internal monologue of all the ways in which I fail on a daily basis. This picture so neatly sums up what goes on in my head all the time (although probably I'd substitute cheese for chips). And that toxic inner voice has worn me down so much that it's now bleeding into my professional life. How can I believe in myself as a expert practitioner and fearless leader (and ask others to) if I can't believe in me as a person?

Which brings me on to the other issue - not feeling valued by, or of value to, the university. This is mostly about being part time, although in my context I've only gone part time so that I can be there for my little girl. I'm not saying the university is a bad employer in this regard - in theory at least it is supportive and flexible (allowing me to even be part time can't be underestimated). But there are a few things that have hit me quite hard at a time when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. The first is its strange approach to job sharing (at least as applied to me) which effectively means my job security would have been dependent on someone else. As a result it's been ten months before there has been any cover for the part of the role I'm not doing. The current solution, whilst it has positive aspects, is a complete fudge and has left me with the overwhelming impression that the university doesn't see what I do as that important. Secondly, there is the regular occurrence of what I can only term micro-aggressions. People continually disenfranchising part timers like me with inflexible meeting schedules and not enabling other forms of contribution (and no, always having to send a deputy isn't a solution). People bypassing me when there are questions or decisions that really need to be made by me but I'm not at my desk that minute. Colleagues answering my emails for me (often not how I would) as if it's impossible to wait a single day for me to respond. Before, if I happened to be on leave or simply busy, these things would have waited until I got around to them. Now I'm part time, there's the assumption that I can't or won't. Finally, being part time means that I'm missing out on opportunities. There are a number of meaty projects, one in particular, that I would love to get my teeth into and that I should be leading based on my role and expertise. But, because they need a chunk of time that I can't readily make available anymore, I've had to step back and watch others take them up. Having worked so hard to get to the top of my profession, it's frustrating to feel that my knowledge is being overlooked simply because I cannot make meetings at all hours or drop everything to respond to a particular task. It's especially galling because in general the University moves at a glacial pace so this need for urgency is artificially created. But the unspoken rewarding of presenteeism and focus on activity and seeming busy rather than the quality of outputs means that those of us who are part time will always be made to feel like second class employees. 

* I could do a whole other post (or possibly even a series) about other lines from this song.  Don't get me started...

Trampling through mush

"You can see a million miles tonight, but you can't get very far" - Counting Crows (Mrs Potter's Lullaby)

OK, so I've found another thing about academics that I'm envious of (for the first, see this post) - their purity of vision.  Now I'm not talking about some small scale vision of finishing a piece of work or writing a seminal research paper, I'm meaning epic utopian vision - whether it's a world without social inequality or a massive increase in life expectancy for people with a particular health issue. But the amazing thing is not the vision itself but the single minded focus and conviction that it is achievable. Everything that is between the researcher and the vision is incidental, even though there may be the occasional distraction where they worry about where the next bit of funding is coming from or how their field is going to fare in the REF.

Us public engagement practitioners (or professional services or research administrators or whatever the hell we are called) also have our own visions. One of the great privileges of stepping up into the role of Head of the Centre for Public Engagement was the chance to see a broader vista and imagine how I would like it to look in, say, a decade's time. But we are continually brought down to Earth by having to deal with complexities and nuances. A project that I'm involved in was recently described by an academic colleague as a bit mushy. This is a project involving our team, several academics from different disciplines and a host of external partners. The project manager has to handle competing agendas, a range of egos and a bunch of people who are enthusiastic about the project but don't have the time and resources to dedicate sufficiently to it. Is it any wonder that the project appears a bit mushy? That's reality at work.

I'm not wanting to foster the (really unhelpful) two tribes mentality. But it seems to me that both academics and non-academics in higher education are looking up at the stars. The academics are mentally already amongst them, a million miles away where the journey doesn't appear to be so bad from their view.  Whilst the rest of us are stuck on the ground, trying to work out how to build a rocket to get us even a fraction of the way there.  And it's galling to see a vision in the distance but not be able to get very far.

Taking the long way around

"Tenir la main qui connaît le chemin sur cette terre" - Le Petit Prince*

Some people have their lives mapped out. I don't mean that everything works out for them (that'd be the subject for a whole other post) but that they know where are and where they want to be. And in some cases they've even worked out how to get there.

I'm not like that. When Maggie (my boss) asked me in my annual review where I wanted to be in five years time, I was a bit stumped. Of course I can look at my role now and think about things I'd like to be doing in the future but it's not like I actually plan any of this. I was not one of those kids who knew that they were going to be a doctor, a lawyer, an actor. I picked my undergraduate degree on a whim, based on something my chemistry teacher said. I fell into my PhD because it was offered to me on a plate and I couldn't think of any reason to say no. And I fell out of research because of a particular set of circumstances (which, because this is a reflective piece and not a rant I won't be going into!).

So do I need a hand to show me the way? The crux of it is that I like where I am. I may not have predicted I'd be where I am today but I certainly don't regret it. And who knows, if I'd have planned a particular route I may have ended up here anyway. Which I'd why my blog is named as it is, not because I think that all options are open to me but more that I don't think there's only one linear path through life. Which is a relief, because indecisiveness is one of my major flaws. If I had to think through the repercussions of every decision I made I'd probably still be stuck at the crossroads** on the beginning of the journey.

* Or at least the musical.  I don't have the original book to hand to check whether it's in there.
** Those of you who are aficionados of Don McLean will realise that's a deliberate pun since the song my blog is named after is in fact Crossroads.

In praise of daydreaming

"If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame" - Counting Crows (Mrs Potter's Lullaby)

I've always had a commute to work, whether it's a 15 minute walk or a two hour train journey. But rather than resent these periods of enforced idleness, I've come to appreciate and treasure them. I've knitted several items of clothing (not whilst walking obviously) and surfed countless webpages; I've even written the odd blog post.  But the really valuable moments have been those when I've allowed my mind to drift off in any direction it chooses.

So what do I think about at those times? I'll admit a significant proportion of the time is taken up by practicalities, from shopping lists to what I need to do at work. But other times it's not so prosaic.  Do I stare off into the distance in sadness at what hasn't been? In hoping for what might be? Or in constructing a whole different picture of life? (the answer to this is all three).  In my head I can be whoever and wherever I want to be and traverse worlds far beyond my reality. As such, I do think it's a shame to be so caught up in the everyday that you don't have the chance to daydream.  Which means that if you see me gazing out the window or lost in my own thoughts, don't feel you have to interrupt me. I may just be planning tonight's dinner. But equally I may be somewhere else entirely.

Food for thought

"Before you jump
Tell me what you find when you read my mind" - The Killers (Read my Mind)

If I were to ever choose a superpower the ability to read minds would not be top of my list*. But sometimes it's quite helpful to know what's going on in the brain, or potentially what's going wrong. So as part of my ongoing exploration of the Bristol hospital system, the other week I went to Frenchay hospital to have an electroencephalogram (EEG). An EEG measures the voltage fluctuations along the scalp caused by ionic current flows in the brain and detected through a series of electrodes plastered over your head.  As such, the first task was was to attach an impressive number of electrodes to my scalp using a conductive gel.

I was then asked to lie back and open and close my eyes upon request while a strobe light flashed with increasing frequency. Despite the flashes and the fact that I must have looked like something from a sci-fi film, it was actually quite restful at times. So much so that I even nearly fell asleep at one point during an eyes closed period.

Part of the scan - I'm not sure what it means other than that I must have at least some thoughts!

Sadly the data they get from such a scan isn't as visually appealing as some of the imaging techniques I've come across. Once again I got the technician to show me what came up on his computer screen but it would need an expert to understand what any of it meant. Apparently the bit where I nodded off was detected as an electrical impulse (because your eyes start to roll when you fall asleep) but thankfully it didn't invalidate any of the data.

Another part of the scan, where I'm clearly more vacant (and apparently the blip is where I dozed off)

So the EEG read my mind, in a way, but it's not entirely clear what this means for the future. Nothing anomalous was found during the scan, but the drugs I'm currently on may be suppressing any changes which is why my brain appears normal. So only time will tell whether I'm fine or my brain will continue to sporadically do the human equivalent of the Blue Screen of Death.

* For the record, teleportation would be the clear winner - I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to flit around the world, not to mention all the time you'd save on the daily commute?  Telekinesis might be a close second.