Why being a working mum is an uncomfortable situation

"I'd be a fearless leader
I'd be an alpha type 
When everyone believes ya 
What's that like?" Taylor Swift (The Man)*

Now I've worked my way through the nicer bits, it's time to tackle the real challenge (I guess there's still a bit of procrastination left in me!). I've been doing more self reflection than is probably healthy, trying to unravel exactly why being a mum has been unsettling to me in a professional context. And I've put my finger on two issues, the first of which is confidence. Becoming a mum is hands down the most terrifying thing I have ever done and simultaneously the thing I've been least prepared for. Antenatal classes run you through the practicalities, from changing a nappy to bathing a newborn. There are endless books, resources and information on everything from how babies should sleep to the food they should eat (and how) and what stimulation they need. But nothing and no one can tell you how to be a good parent (although many parenting manuals do suggest that there is a 'right' way which merely enforces the idea that you are doing it wrong). So probably the most important challenge in my entire life is equally the one thing I cannot learn about in advance in order to not make mistakes. Trial and error is the only way, and I have a continual internal monologue of all the ways in which I fail on a daily basis. This picture so neatly sums up what goes on in my head all the time (although probably I'd substitute cheese for chips). And that toxic inner voice has worn me down so much that it's now bleeding into my professional life. How can I believe in myself as a expert practitioner and fearless leader (and ask others to) if I can't believe in me as a person?

Which brings me on to the other issue - not feeling valued by, or of value to, the university. This is mostly about being part time, although in my context I've only gone part time so that I can be there for my little girl. I'm not saying the university is a bad employer in this regard - in theory at least it is supportive and flexible (allowing me to even be part time can't be underestimated). But there are a few things that have hit me quite hard at a time when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. The first is its strange approach to job sharing (at least as applied to me) which effectively means my job security would have been dependent on someone else. As a result it's been ten months before there has been any cover for the part of the role I'm not doing. The current solution, whilst it has positive aspects, is a complete fudge and has left me with the overwhelming impression that the university doesn't see what I do as that important. Secondly, there is the regular occurrence of what I can only term micro-aggressions. People continually disenfranchising part timers like me with inflexible meeting schedules and not enabling other forms of contribution (and no, always having to send a deputy isn't a solution). People bypassing me when there are questions or decisions that really need to be made by me but I'm not at my desk that minute. Colleagues answering my emails for me (often not how I would) as if it's impossible to wait a single day for me to respond. Before, if I happened to be on leave or simply busy, these things would have waited until I got around to them. Now I'm part time, there's the assumption that I can't or won't. Finally, being part time means that I'm missing out on opportunities. There are a number of meaty projects, one in particular, that I would love to get my teeth into and that I should be leading based on my role and expertise. But, because they need a chunk of time that I can't readily make available anymore, I've had to step back and watch others take them up. Having worked so hard to get to the top of my profession, it's frustrating to feel that my knowledge is being overlooked simply because I cannot make meetings at all hours or drop everything to respond to a particular task. It's especially galling because in general the University moves at a glacial pace so this need for urgency is artificially created. But the unspoken rewarding of presenteeism and focus on activity and seeming busy rather than the quality of outputs means that those of us who are part time will always be made to feel like second class employees. 

* I could do a whole other post (or possibly even a series) about other lines from this song.  Don't get me started...